Verboten
by OceanicWords
Summary: And that was when she forgave him, because she too often forgot that he was only human and that he could only deal with so much before he cracked and just took what he needed - her. (Title changed from Endure, Survive and Recover) Rated M. Joel/OC, Elllie/OC, and eventual Joel/Ellie.
1. Chapter 1

**WARNING:** This story is rated M, for language, sexual themes, and violence. While there will be quite a bit of Ellie/OC and Joel/OC, ultimately, under the surface and (eventually) above, there will be a Joel and Ellie pairing. This story takes place after the duo arrive at Tommy's dam and does not include the events in The Last of Us Epilogue One Night Live. Ellie is now eighteen years old and Joel is fifty-one. If you are not comfortable with this pairing, please leave now. If you are, then enjoy!

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i.

_"__I've struggled for a long time with survivin'. And you- no matter what, you keep findin' somethin' to fight for."_

"Are we sick?"

Joel remembered how the question had left her lips, so innocent, so terrified. Drawn into a high pitch with the panic. "No, no, of course not," he'd assured the little girl, _his_ little girl, but deep down, in the furthest corner of his mind, he had his doubts. At the time, nobody was fully aware of what was happening. There was an infection spreading, that everyone was absolute of, but the nature of it was bizarre and unclear. It could've been a parasite, a virus, a mutated bubonic plague for all they knew. It would take years for Joel to get the news, to finally know what exactly the whole pandemic was. But it would also take several years for authorities to learn of it too.

And now, the aged man wished he would've just been one of the unfortunate people that were killed that night. He wished that he would've felt those bullets, instead of Sarah.

He was in the limbo between sleep and consciousness, his imagination running rampant. The memories tore through the rows of his brain in nightmares, and he tossed and turned. They felt like a vice, constricting around his throat, until he was gasping for breath. Because it was replaying over and over, a broken record, before his eyes, and he was helpless, over and over.

His lungs ached and with every step that pounded into the Earth, his breaths were getting heavier. He felt the panic surging through him, like an electric current, and every time they came upon another one of the infected, he received another shock. That was the only way he kept moving. He was in survival mode, his pupils dilated and alert, with his only child slung about in his arms.

Sarah was terrified. Joel could feel it in the way she shook, in the way she peered up at him. And her stare only gave him the drive to keep going, to keep protecting her, because he knew that he was the only one that could.

The relief had just begun to swell, it was rising up in his chest, when they turned the corner. But it was knocked down and the events seemed to fire at his life without even a moment to catch up. He heard the snarls, the starved growling, just a moment too late. And the realization struck him suddenly, a cascading river of panic, he jumped slightly and made a move to turn and defend himself and his daughter, but he hadn't thought it through- he didn't have any weapons!

But just when the thought ripped through his mind - _we're gonna die_ \- bullets were fired, action was taken quickly, and the infected dropped to the ground in heaps of blood behind him.

Sarah clenched her eyes shut and Joel squinted his against the blinding light of a flashlight. And he whispered a shaky reassurance, "It's okay, baby, we're safe. We're safe."

Then he called out to the soldier. Someone who could protect them. "Hey! We need help!"

"Stop!"

"Please," Joel didn't even hear the warning. "It's my daughter. I think her leg's broken."

But the response was furious, and the gun was pointing straight at them. "Stop right there!"

That's when Joel got it. The suspicion arose. And, though he wasn't sure then, he was sure now that that was when he knew. That was when he knew the man would not attempt to save them. It was evident in his tone. It was evident in the mumble to his sergeant. Joel had taken a few steps back, his gut writhing. His heart was pounding. Something bad was going to happen. He could feel it in his bones, smell it in the air.

He remembered staring, hoping, teetering on the edge to wait.

"Sir, there's a little girl... But..." A sigh. "Yes, sir."

Now it was Joel's turn to give a warning, a frantic warning, a pleading tone, wide eyes, hitched breath. "Listen, buddy, we've just been through hell. Okay, we just need-" But he was readjusting the gun on his shoulder... Almost to get a better aim... It crashed into him, but not quickly enough. _He needed to run!_ "Oh, shit." But as he turned to do just that, he already knew, before the shots were even fired, he already knew.

He felt them slice through him, little pangs of death that spread through his back, made him catch his breath, but he needed to shield Sarah with his own body. He dropped. He dropped and they went tumbling down the dirt hill. And her scream echoed in his ears, high and scared. Joel narrowly had time to even roll over and face the sky again, when the soldier came pounding down the hill, his gun fixated on Joel's skull.

He reached his hand out, for mercy. "Please, don't."

_Boom!_

The man's head took the blow, and he fell limply, dead, to the ground. Joel caught sight of Tommy and the revolver in his hand. Then caught the whimpers. The agonizing whimpers. "Oh no..." He didn't care anymore. He crawled to his daughter, through the dirt and blood, in a rush, in a frenzy. "Sarah!"

Her whimpers heightened as he neared, in choppy intensity. He knew what to do. And she'd be okay. She had to be. "Okay, move your hands, baby," he guided her, but her little screams as he touched her (and, dammit, he was just lightly prodding her with his fingers), struck his heart. As he moved to press down on the wound fully, to stop the bleeding - "I know, baby, I know. Listen to me, I know this hurts, baby," she pried at him, tried to hold onto his shoulder with everything in her. And he was pleading now. "You're gonna be okay, baby. _Stay with me. Alright, I'm gonna pick you up. I know, baby, I know it hurts. Come on, baby, please! I know, baby, I know!_" But her whimpers were dwindling, like embers of a fire dying. "_Sarah..._"

It dawned on him before he truly wanted to accept it. He felt nauseous. He felt sick with panic, and devastation. And he did all he could do - he begged her, god dammit, he begged her, "Baby... Don't do this to me, baby. Don't do this to me." He felt the tingle in his nose, the lump growing in his throat, the tears welling in his eyes. They came like a storm. Suddenly, and spilling over the barrier of his manliness. They flowed like a river, like a turbulent water, racing down his cheeks and falling off the end of his face, into the fabric of her bloodied, graphic t-shirt.

No parent should ever have to watch his child die. Especially not in his dreams every night.

Joel jolted awake with a wild gasp. His face was wet with the tears he was not aware he'd been shedding. He glanced over at Ellie, who he realized was staring at him, her light green eyes wide. She'd never seen him cry before. Because he kept his guard up constantly now, even with those closest to him. Quickly, almost in an effort to make her forget what she'd witnessed, Joel wiped away the tears with his calloused hands. He sniffled, his sinuses swollen, and cleared his throat, trying not to look at the girl.

It had been four years since they'd arrived at Tommy's, been granted a lot to build a house, and although Joel had taken special measures to build Ellie a room of her own, he still awoke to find her in his, even sleeping beside him at times. Which, admittedly, made him a tad uncomfortable. Not because of her, but because of himself. She was a young woman now, and she looked it too. And although he would never admit it to himself, he had (sickeningly) realized that she was actually very beautiful when she began doing this. But Joel never denied her, because he knew she could only feel fully safe when she was around him. And he happened to feel slightly more content when there was another healthy, alive human lying next to him as he slept.

But today was a bad day for her to camp out in his room.

"What're you doing here?" he asked, almost angrily. He was embarrassed that she'd gotten to see him break down, even if it was completely understandable. He was sure he'd been mumbling in his sleep too. What had she heard?

Her eyes were trained on him, her auburn hair mussed. She ignored his question. "You were crying in your sleep."

There was a moment of silence. "You didn't answer my question."

Ellie sighed and sat up, the shared blanket falling off her shoulders in a heap around her waist. "It was really fucking cold last night. So I came to ask you if you could help me start a fire, but you were asleep, and I didn't want to burn the house down, so... I just bunked with you. It never seemed to bother you before," she added, with a slight edge in her voice.

Joel's hand dragged down his tired face. "It didn't and it still doesn't. Just... don't make a habit of it."

"Alright," she paused, chewing on her lower lip. He could tell she wanted to say more, so he got up, out of bed, planning to go downstairs and start breakfast before she could speak. But she followed him (how could he expect her not to?) into the kitchen. "What were you dreaming about?" she asked, quietly, as if stepping on glass shards. He'd told her once before - talking about Sarah to him was "treading on mighty thin ice".

"Nothing." He yanked open the (refurbished) fridge to take out the container of eggs - six fresh eggs, picked the day before - and the container of milk. If they didn't drink it by tomorrow, it would spoil. Something Joel had taken awhile to get used to. The processed milk they'd had twenty-five years ago could last for two weeks or more in the fridge, and upwards three months if he threw it in the freezer. A breeze drafted through the kitchen. "Could you start this while I get that fire goin'?"

Ellie took over the cooking, scrambling both eggs, while he went to the makeshift fireplace and poked around. They needed more firewood. In the Winter, the best was birch. But all of the birch wood Joel had collected was already burned to ash, despite it only being a few days. This Winter was brutal. It seemed like they constantly had to keep the fire alive. At least all of the chopping down trees helped the man build muscle he'd thought he'd already built. He learned the day after he cut down his first batch of trees, that his upper back muscles weren't as durable as he'd thought. And without the need to incessantly battle enemies, he was beginning to loose some of his strength.

Which is why Ellie scooped more eggs onto Joel's plate than her's. He'd started to actually work out after breakfast.

"I'll be back," he announced, grabbing one of the two axes he had leaning against the wall beside the fireplace.

"Alright. Be careful," Ellie responded, almost out of habit. It was a ritual to remind him that she was counting on his return and to not go out and get himself killed, because she cared about him more than she could express with words. He was all she had in this rotten world. Of course, now she had Tommy and Maria and some friends around the neighborhood, but she never bothered to get close to anyone but Joel. Mainly because she was afraid. Joel was the only one she'd ever known to protect her like his own life depended on it, and he didn't abandon her even when he had the choice. He even saved her before the surgeons could open up her skull and extract what would ultimately become the cure to this horrid disease, something she found out a good two years after they got to the dam. Of course, she'd known that there weren't "dozens just like her". She'd known he'd been lying, but she didn't know the extent of what had happened. One night, he'd called her down, told her he had to get it off his chest and that he was sorry and that he'd killed Marlene. They argued, shouted, cussed at each other. But, in the end, she knew that he'd only whisked her away because he cared about her.

But whereas Ellie loved Joel as an equal, Joel, for the first few years of knowing Ellie at least, loved her like a surrogate daughter. It was only as she started growing, looking less like a child, less like a ghost of Sarah, that he was able to reel back in his sanity and treat her as she should've been treated - her own person. Just like he'd said back at the Ranch, Ellie wasn't his daughter and he sure as hell wasn't her dad. But they were both equally as attached to each other, though they never voiced it.

Joel shrugged on his winter coat and his worn boots before heading out into the cold. It wasn't long before the sight of the nearby forest came into his view and it was as he was approaching the gates to be let out that he heard his name being called.

"Joel! Joel, wait up!"

He turned to find his brother, Tommy, rushing to catch up to him. "What's wrong?"

"Nothin'. Well, sort of nothin'. What were you 'bout to go do? 'Cause I need to talk to you about somethin'. Somethin' important." Tommy's tone made Joel narrow his eyes. Those were very vague words; he needed to know more before he postponed this wood gathering trip. He wasn't gonna let Ellie freeze to death over something that could wait.

"I was about to go get some wood for a fire. If this ain't that important, then I'd rather you wait to tell me," Joel's words were fabricated momentarily as a chilled mist in the air.

"I'll just join ya. I can help ya lug it all back here. It'd be better to have some privacy anyway."

With that, Joel and Tommy plodded through the snow and into the forest. For awhile, as the two wandered through the woods looking for a good tree to start with, it was silent. Which made Joel suspect what Tommy needed to talk about was something hard to hear, something he wouldn't want to know. Some bad news. As Joel began chopping away at one of the smaller trees, his brother finally spoke up.

"So I was talkin' to Maria the other day and she said that we're startin' to have a surplus of food."

"Hm. That ain't a bad thing if you ask me. You just wanted my opinion?" The older man heaved the axe over his shoulder, glancing at Tommy before whacking the blade into the frayed bark.

"No, no, I'm not askin' for your opinion. It's just... like I said, Maria and I were talkin', and she said she was talkin' to her dad about the whole thing, and well, we all decided that we're actually gonna need more mouths to feed."

Joel said nothing, just waited for him to continue as the tree plummeted to the ground with a huff, sending snow billowing up into the air.

Tommy went on as he helped Joel drag it into a more open area. "Our settlement is gettin' pretty big and pretty safe and, we reckon if we just be careful 'bout who we let into the neighborhood, we can start tryin' to..."

Joel had stopped hacking the tree and started listening very intently to Tommy. He couldn't tell what he was getting at. And it sure as hell didn't seem as important as Tommy had implied.

"Try to what?"

"Repopulate."

Oh.

"But why does that concern me?"

"Well, you still got your penis, don't you?" Tommy joked, but Joel didn't even crack a smile.

"I'm old, Tommy," he objected, shaking his head in refusal and going back to chopping up the birch.

"Not old enough to stop producing sperm."

"I'm not... Tommy. Who the fuck do you expect me to go off and have sex with? And don't say Esther. I don't like 'er."

"Well, there's that nice woman who lives with her sister a few houses down. What's her name? Jenna. And her sister's Olivia. They're both really nice, Joel. Just, choose one, talk to her, get to know her." Tommy's eyes were almost pleading.

"...No."

A sigh. "Well-"

"No. I said no."

"Listen! I'm droppin' it. I need to ask you somethin' else now."

"Go on, I'm waitin'." The two men now heaved the few logs up onto their shoulders and were starting to walk back to the, for all intentions and purposes, town. Joel looked over at his brother. He was trying to avoid eye contact.

"I told Maria I didn't think you'd want to, but I agree that you'd be the best bet for this. We just... Well, Ellie-" Joel tensed up at the mention of her name. No. He was already to reject whatever Tommy was suggesting. "-is getting older now, she's... well, she's physically ready and able to have kids-"

"No."

"Now, Joel-"

"_No._"

"That's not your decision to make, Joel." They had reached the settlement and were now making their way through the maze of houses. Thank god. Joel didn't think he could deal with arguing with Tommy anymore. The subject made him very uncomfortable. It wasn't that he didn't think Ellie would be a good mother, or that he couldn't imagine her with a baby on her hip, but he just didn't want to think about it. "We just wanted you to mention it to Ellie," he rushed out, aware that he was testing Joel's patience. "Maria said she'd do it, but she thought maybe Ellie would be more comfortable with talkin' to you about it. Only 'cause she's known you for so long."

Joel now decided to ignore Tommy, angry that Tommy and Maria were planning to force this on Ellie. Dammit, the girl had never even had a childhood herself. How was she supposed to give one to a baby? "Just drop the wood down here." They'd finally reached Ellie and Joel's house and Joel was dragging the logs onto the porch.

What he didn't know was that Ellie was watching the two's dispute through the window, picking at her eggs. Whenever she saw Joel arguing with his brother, it worried her. She always remembered what he said Tommy's last words were to him before. She didn't want them to get into such a bad fight that Joel and Ellie would have to up and move out of the safety of the settlement. She knew how hard Joel was to deal with. He wasn't an easy person to negotiate anything with. So this sight peaked her interest. What were they talking about?

Ellie quickly turned her attention back to her food to make it seem like she hadn't been eavesdropping as Joel kicked open the door, hauling in the firewood.

"Are you really that against just talking to her about it?" Tommy pressed angrily. Ellie couldn't help but peak up. She saw that Joel was continuously glancing over at her.

"Yes," he grumbled.

"I'll tell Maria to then. Or, you know what, better yet, I'll just do it right here, right now." Tommy went forward, striding over to Ellie. "Ellie, how would you feel-"

"No, wait. Tommy, wait."

Both of Tommy's eyebrows were risen with question.

"Good god, you've gotten bold," groaned Joel. "I'll talk to her about it. You can tell Maria to not worry about it."

"Feel about what?" Ellie chimed in, glancing between the two men.

Joel threw daggers at Tommy. "I'll tell you later, Ellie."

Satisfied, Tommy went on his way, stopping on his way out to murmur, "Tell her 'bout Jason and Colin and even Tanner."

As soon as the door was shut and Ellie was alone with Joel, her eyebrows tugged together in confusion. What the hell were they talking about? And why did she need to know about Jason, Colin, and Tanner? What about them? She'd already met Jason and Colin. Only greeted Tanner a few times. "Joel, what's going on?"

"Later. I need to get this fire goin'."

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**I hope that wasn't too crappy of a first chapter! Please review! Tell me how I can improve and, if you want, you can even suggest some additions to the main overall plot. :) Thanks for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

ii.

Snowflakes drifted peacefully to the ground outside of Joel and Ellie's residence. It collected in heaps, each individual snowflake adhering to another to form a widespread, frozen blanket. It was a beautiful sight, even calming, especially with the crackling of the fire whispering in the background. Ellie's eyes were drooping, and around her body hung a heavy comforter, something that Joel had managed to salvage and sanitize on one of the men's looting trips. When home supplies dwindled, like blankets and pillows and spoons and bowls, Joel and all of the other men in the (respectively named) neighborhood would head out and risk their lives for their families. They'd battle the weather, bandits and the infected to provide. Ellie thought it was an endearing gesture, but every time Joel walked out the door on one of those missions, she felt a twinge in her stomach. Which was why she was now sitting on the floor by the fireplace, propped up against the wall to wait for him. Every minute that passed and faded further into the night only stirred her worry. She supposed, by now, she and Joel had become like family and, admittedly, he'd grown on her like Cordyceps. She was attached to him and lonely when he was not around. But most of all, she felt ill when she thought he might be put in danger, might be ripped from her life just as everyone else was.

As the minutes droned on, her thoughts flowed into one another, simple pondering about everything and anything and especially Joel. How she wished he wasn't so impassive, how his smile lit up his entire face when she (somehow, incredibly) managed to make him do so, the way he could make such beautiful music with just a guitar and his voice. The last song he'd played was echoing through her mind. Of course, he'd thought she was sleeping and she'd been secretly listening. Only because he refused to sing for her most times; he only granted her tidbits of his guitar playing when he was relaxed and not having to fret over something else. Even after all these years, he still had his guard up with her. For awhile, when they'd been traveling across the country, Ellie had thought she was making progress, finally getting through to him. But a year after moving into the settlement, he'd shut her out again. It was sudden and without explanation, but Ellie didn't question it. She knew he was a broken man. She knew he needed to be left alone at times. Sometimes all the time.

And, for awhile she had been lonely. For awhile, she had just stayed in bed all day, the sadness weighing her limbs down like lead. Everyone she had ever loved was gone, except for Joel of course. But she was even beginning to feel resentful toward him. He had lied to her. He had pulled that lie straight out of his ass and spit it in her face, looked into her eyes and swore he was telling the truth. For nearly a year after that, she couldn't bring herself to put any trust in him. She started carrying around a pistol of her own because she thought, if Joel promised to protect her when they went hunting, he could very well just be lying about that too. She started getting paranoid, thinking that he was lying to her about everything. And every night, she replayed his words in her head. He'd sworn that what he told her - that there were dozens others like her, that they stopped looking for the cure - was true. He swore it like the Devil. And he condemned the human race, for what? For her?

Now, as Ellie thought about this again, a tear escaped her eye. She made a quick movement to wipe it away, angry at herself. She felt weak. She was one life. There had been almost 640,000 people living in Boston alone when the infection began spreading. That was reduced to practically nothing in just fourteen years. And she'd had the opportunity to give herself up, to make up for all of those deaths. But Joel had made the decision for her. He was a selfish madman with a gun. And, although she was grateful to still be breathing, she constantly felt the weight of the entire world's deceased on her shoulders. And she always wished she could just turn back time. She wished she could have just given herself up. It only seemed fair. A vaccine could have been made. And she would have been a fucking hero. She would have died a fucking _hero_.

Ellie felt her face getting hot with anger. But she had to remind herself: he only did it because he loved her. Even if he was just using her as a replacement for his daughter to ease his insanity, it was because he loved her. He'd even told her, the night when they argued about the whole event, when he told her the truth, that he just couldn't bear to lose her. That he just couldn't imagine life without her now. That if he had let her die by the hands of those surgeons, he would have had to put a bullet in his own skull.

And that was when she forgave him, because she too often forgot that he _was_ only human and that he could only deal with so much before he cracked and just took what he needed - her.

Ellie just managed to get her thoughts back in line, hush her rage into practically nothing, when Joel came bustling through the door. Relief flooded her. His face was flushed, bitten by the cold, and he was breathing heavily. But in his arms he carried a heap of blankets. Ellie smiled up at him and he smiled back before shutting the door with his foot and placing the blankets on the couch to join her by the fire.

"It's fucking cold out there," Joel mumbled, rubbing his hands together.

"Yeah, I bet. You look frostbitten."

"Well, you've killed enough infected in your time. I wouldn't trust anyone else with amputatin' my hands an' feet."

Ellie rolled her eyes and got to her feet, striding over to the blankets to inspect them. The old woman a few houses down, Lacey, had taught her how to sew last year and she still had some thread left. She'd wasted most of it on (badly) knitting Joel a very disproportional scarf, but there should still be enough to patch up the blankets. She only discovered four tears in all three blankets.

"Oh, man. These are great. Hardly any tears. How'd you manage to get these?" she glanced over at Joel, who was now peeling off his sopping outerwear.

"Found 'em in a really nice house. Looks like rich people keep their shit nice, even after they've died," he joked before heaving a tired sigh. "Alright, I'm goin' to bed."

At first, Ellie just nodded, forgetting that he was supposed to "talk to her later" and it was later now. But when she looked back over at the fire, she remembered that she was thinking about him, then remembered that he was due to explain some things to her. Her curiosity was sparked and she grabbed the blankets to bring them upstairs, following Joel up.

"So what were you supposed to be talking to me about?"

"Hm?"

She followed him into his room, set a blanket down on his bed.

"You and Tommy were arguing earlier about talking to me about something."

"Oh," he rubbed his neck as he sat down on his mattress. Slipping off his boots and placing his handgun beneath his pillow, he internally groaned. He was hoping she'd forget and then he would never even have to confront her about it. He'd just tell Tommy that she'd said she wasn't interested and the problem would be solved. But, goddamn, she was persistent. "Not tonight. I'm exhausted. I'll tell you tomorrow."

Ellie's expression immediately fell into a grimace. Her hands found her hips and she glared at him. "No. You're going to tell me now. You said you'd tell me later and now it is later. I'm a big girl. I can handle whatever you have to say, so spill."

She wasn't wrong about that. Joel mulled it over a bit, chewing on his lip. Well, if she could kill a Clicker at fourteen, what damage could this suggestion possibly cause? And the worst that could happen was that he'd illicit some awkward questions out of her and he'd give some awkward answers and it would be over and done with, with her decision. He sighed. "Alright. But you might want to sit down." She did. She peered at him seriously, eyes attentive. Joel pursed his lips, stalling by scratching his temple, murmuring a few "uh"s and awkwardly shifting, trying not to look at her. He almost tried to formulate another lie to protect her, but he remembered how well that worked out the last time and decided against it. "Alright," he said again. "Tommy said he was talkin' to Maria and, they were sayin' somethin' 'bout how her dad thought it'd be a good idea to start replenishin' the human race. You know, like everybody havin' babies and whatnot. Everybody was too scared to start tryin' to get pregnant before I guess, but this place wasn't that secure and there wasn't as much food and space as we have now..."

There was a long silence.

"Oh."

Ellie was, to say in the least, shocked. Her eyes were wide as she tried to wrap her mind around what he'd said. And she knew what they were asking of her. And, immediately, she was sucking in a lungful of air, shaking her head, eyebrows furrowed. "Well, that was... unexpected."

Joel only gave a little grunt to let her know that he'd heard her.

"Um... Well, I don't know... Did they..." she had to tuck a strand of rusty hair behind her ear as she spoke her next words, her cheeks flooding with embarrassment, "did they expect us to...?"

"Oh, no!" Joel answered before she even finished her question. He shook his head furiously. "No. No. That's why Tommy wanted me to tell you that, er... what were their names? Well, those boys that he was talkin' bout. Colton and Tanner or somethin'. You should try and get to know them."

Ellie narrowed her eyes. "And have sex with them?"

Joel dragged a hand down his face, groaning. "Yes, Ellie. That's the ultimate goal."

"Oh, man," she sucked in a deep breath, pacing back and forth. "Oh, man. I don't know about this. I don't even know if I'm fertile. I don't regularly get my period."

"Okay, that's enough of that," Joel interrupted, feeling uncomfortable with this discussion. "I'm goin' to bed."

"Wait."

"What?"

"I have one more question."

"Go ahead," he said, agreeing unwillingly, laying his head on the unsupportive pillow.

Ellie fell silent, debating whether she wanted to ask, whether she wanted to know the answer. There was a nausea blooming in her stomach. Though she'd never admit it to herself, she felt protective over Joel in more way than one. As in, she didn't want to share him with anyone else, especially not another woman. She hardly got any of his attention as is. She couldn't imagine how lonely she'd be with him off flirting with someone in the settlement. And she'd surely have to witness it, considering there was nowhere for anyone to go on a date. It would either be his house or hers. And to think about him even being that close, that intimate with a different woman made a jealousy flare up within her, something she didn't quite understand. "What about you? Will you have to go... _mate_ with someone?" She didn't mean for her words to have such an edge to them but she couldn't help it. She was already imagining the scenario in her head, forgetting for the time being that _she_ would most likely be with someone too.

But Joel was a simple man and she doubted he was following the same train of thought. "I don't know. Maybe. Probably Jenna Hanson or her sister. Tommy said I have my pick." Ellie could hear the sarcasm in his tone, the annoyance. That gave her some hope. Maybe if he was annoyed enough, he wouldn't even be in the mood to ever have sex with the woman.

But even as she was bidding Joel goodnight and retiring to her own room for once, it was nagging in the back of her mind. Why was she suddenly feeling like Joel was hers, and hers only?

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**Thanks to everyone that read the first chapter and thank you to the one that reviewed! I can't tell you how much I appreciate it! :) Leave a review to tell me if you liked it, hated it, whatever. Constructive criticism is a necessity to making my story better! Thanks again!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed on the last two chapters! With the inception of a new semester came lots of stress and no time for leisure writing, so I am deeply sorry to those of you who were really anticipating the steady continuation of this story. I am really going to do my best to update frequently now and as you can see, I did go over the third chapter and decided that it really needed to be rewritten, so here is the newest installment! Enjoy, lovelies!**

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iii.

Booze and birch make quite the combination, especially when the latter is ablaze.

When Tommy had come to Joel a week earlier, a day after he sprung mission reproduction on him, and offered some good news, Joel was (to say in the least) in slightly better spirits. Though Ellie hadn't actually given him a concrete answer, Joel had decided that she had to have been leaning more toward a rejection of the proposal, especially because she hadn't brought it up since. And neither had Tommy.

In fact, that good news didn't even correlate to the whole repopulate bullshit. Maria and her father had decided that a community event was needed. After all these years, nothing as simple as a bonfire had been resurrected from their former lives, until now. And, in truth, it excited Joel. Bonfires had been such an integral aspect of his life, even as a teenager. If you had a bonfire, you had a good time. Even if everyone was just sitting around staring into the flames. Bonfires brought people together, and Joel thought that a community bonfire was one of the best ideas Maria and her father had come up with.

So there they were, all huddled in (slightly) broken lawn chairs and blankets around the fire. Nature had decided to give them a break for once and the ancient thermometer they'd managed to find just a year prior showed that it was forty-three degrees out. Cold. But not freezing. And that was enough to bring folks out of the comfort of their homes and to the comfort of a fire, alcohol, and guitar.

The man that lived about six houses down from Joel and Ellie, a stout Canadian with crinkling eyes and a hearty laugh, knew how to brew his own wine and did so with makeshift items. Of course, his wine was no Chardonnay, but it was pretty damn good for being homemade in an apocalypse.

The neighborhood had split up into four sections, with four separate bonfires, but joy was heard all throughout the town. And around Joel and Ellie, everyone was laughing and chatting and sharing stories and drinking and children were chasing each other and mothers were telling them to knock it off and in his arms, Joel strummed on his guitar lightly.

"And then she was spreading out her arms, like this, and as she backed up she tripped over the guy who played the tree in the play and everyone fell down and she got all wrapped up in the curt..."

"Do you really think so? I mean, back when I was in the quarantine zone..."

"I just don't fucking get it, you know? Like why the fuck do they sound like they're throwing up? Why couldn't they just shit rainbows or something?"

"Did you write this?"

Joel had been paying so much attention to flitting between others' conversations that he hadn't even realized Ellie was talking to him. When he didn't respond, she shifted away from him, as she'd been resting her head on his shoulder, and gave him a slightly offended look. "Hey. I'm talking to you."

"Hm?" he looked over at her before processing what she'd said. "Oh. Oh, sorry. Yeah. I wrote it."

Content with his answer, Ellie returned to his side, tugging the blanket tighter around her body. "I like it," she commented and gave him a small smile.

"Thanks."

And they lapsed back into a comfortable silence, listening to the animation of the rest of the group. Joel had to admit that it was refreshing to be around so many live, happy souls, even if he wasn't really speaking to any of them. What Tommy had told him, though, hadn't left him and now he was more aware of all of the potential lovers in the group, for both him and Ellie. And though Olivia was sitting but a foot away and continuously peeking over at him with those inquisitive brown eyes of hers, Joel's gaze was trained on the boy that could possible catch Ellie's attention - Connor. He was a tall young man, just beginning to show the distinctive signs that Testosterone was flowing heavily in his body. Muscular but slender - that made Joel question whether he'd be capable of really protecting Ellie, especially if she was pregnant. No, he decided automatically. He could only trust himself with that. But still, he went on dissecting the boy.

Slightly stubbly. Joel couldn't say anything there. Though he managed to smooth and sharpen the blade of a shiv enough to create a makeshift razor, he still hardly shaved. Right now, he was sporting his own mess of stubble. Razor burn wasn't something he'd willingly go out of his way to endure for a face clear of hair, if that lasted even a day.

There was a slouch in Connor's walk, like he never fully stood straight and that further convinced Joel that he'd be terrible with any sort of weapon ever. And when the older man tuned into Connor's conversation, he concluded that he wasn't very strategic or bright either.

Which all added up to Joel deciding that Ellie taking any interest in Connor would need to be deterred. Joel's greatest interest was keeping Ellie safe and if he had to go and give her up to some weaker man, damn it all if he wasn't going to make sure that weaker man was at least skilled with a gun. He strummed some final notes on the guitar before setting it down beside him and lifting his cup of wine to his lips. He wasn't going to indulge, he'd decided. Just in case. He didn't want to be drunk in the event of an attack, so one drink was plenty.

"That was really nice," a voice chimed from beside him and he glanced over to catch Olivia smiling. "You said you wrote that?"

"Yeah," he responded, without much enthusiasm. He had nothing against the woman. It was just that now that Tommy had planted that damn seed in his head, he didn't even want to be bothered with her. But that didn't matter. He'd given up trying to please others and take feelings into consideration a long time ago. People knew him as unapproachable. People knew him as intimidating and "oh, that's Tommy's brother but he's not nearly as friendly". People didn't really know him at all. Not even Tommy knew him well anymore. Ellie was the only one that he ever truly relaxed around, the only one he ever truly let (most of) his guard down around.

He'd just grown bitter and ill-tempered as time passed and as the apocalypse wore on. And it wasn't until maybe five years before he'd met Ellie that he'd accepted that it wasn't going to end. They had to coexist with these nightmares now, even if it meant possibly waking up every morning to fight for his life. But then he did meet her and Tess died on him and Ellie was all he had left. And she gave him hope, if even for a little bit, that this devastation could and would all go away. And she would be the reason why. She was the cure to Cordyceps.

But to cure the brain infection, she would have had to die. Instead, all of his hopes of curing Cordyceps died, and she lived, and he was perfectly fine with that because, to him, she was more important than the cure. Her life, her smile, her stupid little remarks... they were all more important to him. And they still were. And this repopulation shit only made him angry because, truthfully, Joel felt very protective over Ellie. She wasn't like a daughter to him anymore, no. He couldn't imagine her as though she was Sarah with her hips so wide and her chest so full. Sarah had been long gone and the memory of her had faded, and he was trying to consciously accept that she really was never coming back and it was time he move on with his life. It was his subconscious that was unyielding and refused to let it go. No, Ellie wasn't his daughter. Sarah was his daughter. Ellie was Ellie. She was her own person, and he realized that the first time he'd woken up and she was laying right beside him, her auburn hair wild and her features soft with slumber.

Sarah never slept in his bed. It was actually very odd for a child her age. Even when she had nightmares, she'd always choose the couch over his bed because the television offered her comfort. Ellie, though? She needed to be close to Joel or her heart would race, goosebumps would raise all over her arms and she'd feel so utterly alone and scared she'd be convinced the world was about to crumble around her. But, of course, Joel didn't know that much. All he knew was that she was different from Sarah. So much different he just couldn't try to compare them anymore.

"Joel."

He was drawn from his pondering by the call, and he glanced at Ellie, believing his name had come from her lips. But she was looking forward, hardly paying him any attention. So he glanced around and his eyes fell on Maria, who was walking over to him, cup of wine in hand.

"Hi, Ellie," she greeted and Joel could see that Ellie gave Maria a tired smile as a response. "Why don't you get a drink? I'm gonna steal Joel for a minute." She paused, then looked at Joel. "If that's alright?"

"'Course it is." He shifted to gently rise to his feet as Ellie moved away from him and made a move to just take his cup. "Hey. No. You ain't drinkin' that."

"What?" Ellie peered up at him, as though confused.

"Oh, sorry, Joel. I didn't realize you didn't want her drinking."

Joel looked over at Maria before quirking an eyebrow. "Never said I didn't want her drinkin'. She can drink if she wants. She's a big girl, don't need me to decide what's best for her. Just said I didn't want her drinkin' _that_, because that one's mine."

He saw the corners of Ellie's lips twitch into a smile and without a word, she got up to go get her own drink.

"Could you follow me?" Maria asked, but didn't wait for an answer and she didn't have to because Joel did what she asked. He was curious to see what she needed to discuss with him and if she was going to bring up procreation, he'd give her an earful of his own opinions. And it turns out, that was exactly what she wanted to discuss. They stopped beside someone's house, several yards away from the gathering. "Did you talk to her?"

He tried to play clueless. "Talk to who?"

"Ellie," Maria said patiently. "About having children."

"Yeah, I talked to her."

"And?"

"Didn't get a definite answer. She just said, 'I don't know about that'."

"Talk to her again."

"No."

"Joel, this is important."

"To you. We want nothin' to do with this. Let everyone else have kids."

Maria sighed deeply, her eyebrows tugging inward, as though she was worried. This confused Joel until she started to speak again. "No. This is important to everyone. Could you please just talk to her again about it and make sure she says yes?"

Joel could feel his annoyance steadily becoming inflamed. How many times did he have to tell this woman that neither he nor Ellie would be participating in this experiment and they had the right not to. Especially Ellie. After everything she'd been through, she deserved more than just a few years to enjoy life without nuisances like infants. And pregnancy was hard on a woman's body, that much he was sure. Ellie didn't need that right now. "Maria, I'm not-"

But she interrupted him.

"Listen to me, Joel._ Ellie could still be the cure._"

* * *

**Aaaaand that's where I'm going to leave it for now. Thank you all for reading and please review! I love constructive criticism! The fourth chapter will pick up from here. And I apologize if the tone was a bit off. It's midnight and I haven't written this story in quite a long time.**


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